Do you think a person can change from a Non Morning Person into one of those Morning People? It’s something I’ve been pondering lately, wondering if there’s some kind of training you can undergo that will magically transform you into someone for whom getting out of bed in the morning is an experience to embrace with vim and/or vigour, rather than someone for whom the first thought upon waking up in the morning is a calculation to determine the soonest opportunity one can to return to bed. Or is it something that’s hardcoded into your DNA, and trying to change it is an exercise in frustration with no useful payoff, like switching from left-handedness to right-handedness, or learning calculus?

I would say I’m just making conversation or “asking for a friend” but nobody who knows me would believe that, because if you look up “morning person” in the dictionary, the definition would use words I find obnoxiously cheerful/enthusiastic, and the antonym section would just be a picture of me, bleary-eyed and still wearing my penguin pajamas at 10:00 in the morning. Having a baby has somehow cured my insomnia, and I feel so much better in general than I ever have before, but even after 8 hours of sleep, I think I could only bound out of bed if our house was on fire, and only after glancing around quickly to see how long I have before things get really DIRE, because maybe I could snooze for 5 more minutes if I leave the photo albums behind.

Ellie used to sleep until sometime in the 7:00 hour (I know, I KNOW, best baby sleeper ever! believe me, I know) and after the recent time change she started getting up sometime in the 6:00 hour, and then this week she has gotten up in the 5:00 hour, and while I eventually feel okay — and even good, and alert, and capable of operating heavy machinery — my first thought upon hearing the initial peeps from the other room is always “Urrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh …” And I’ve started drinking coffee in the morning. Honest-to-goodness COFFEE.

If there are any morning persons out there, please report in. Or any groggy persons who have managed to a) come to terms with their lot in life or b) somehow change their assigned personality type: you can report in too. It’s been 30 years of this, and it’s not like it’s a character flaw, and the coffee actually tastes pretty good, so there’s probably no point in trying to remedy this situation, right?