Monthly archive for September 2016

Swiss cheese

Happy international coffee day!

Happy international coffee day!

I had a dentist appointment this week, and even though it was on Zach’s birthday and that is a perfectly valid reason to cancel, I felt like I really HAD to go, because it had already been rescheduled thrice and the last time, when I left a message the evening before to cancel, I promised I would absolutely definitely for sure come to whenever they rescheduled me for, and I am nothing if not someone who keeps their promises to dental office voicemail systems. And then of course I have two (2) separate teeth that have cracks in them due to my grinding/clenching problem (which can’t really be alleviated by a mouth guard because I also have a panicking/suffocating problem when things like that are in my mouth) and a molar that is more filling than tooth at this point and will require a crown before it completely disintegrates in my mouth. (My teeth! They look lovely but they are made of dust and tears and swiss cheese.)

As I was paying for this appointment and scheduling all of my various future appointments, the receptionist (who I think must be new, as I am there all the time and have never seen her before) said, “Okay, so for your next cleaning, it says here five months?” I said, “Well, can we make it for four months? I always panic and reschedule at least once before I come in, and that buys me some time so I don’t end up too behind on my cleanings.” She said, “Of course! So that would be the beginning of January. I have a Tuesday morning available?” And I said, “Hmm, no, I can’t do Tuesdays.” And she said, “What about a Thursday at noon?” And I said, “I can’t do Thursdays either. How about a Monday?” It was only after, as I was driving home, that I realized that she participated willingly and enthusiastically in the elaborate charade of trying to find a good time for an appointment I had already said I definitely wasn’t going to keep. Someone give that woman a raise.

 

Anti-aging

Just look at this dog

Just look at this dog

I went through the Starbucks drive-thru a couple of weeks ago while wearing my Central Perk t-shirt. The barista working the window complimented me on my shirt, so I jokingly asked him if he was around for the original run of Friends or if he’s only ever seen it on Netflix. I immediately regretted this line of questioning, because he laughed long and hard, and then said, “OF COURSE only on Netflix! I’m only SEVENTEEN. But that’s the great thing about Netflix — you can catch up on all of those great classic shows!” HOW DARE YOU, YOUNG MAN. Making me feel old before I’ve even had my coffee! I was relaying all of this to Mike later, with what I’m sure was an extremely indignant tone in my voice, when he pointed out to me that the barista wouldn’t have even been born when the first episode aired. So. I guess this is it, guys. Do I need to buy a Buick?

I recently purchased “anti-fatigue” moisturizer and “anti-aging” under eye serum. I assure you this was completely unrelated to my interaction with the barista. (Or was it?) (It was not.) It turns out — and I know this will shock you, as it shocked me — that these are not magic products and while the appearance of my skin might be about 10% less fatigued, my actual self is not any more energetic. This is outrageous. I assume somewhere on the package it says in very fine print, “when used in conjunction with exercise and kale smoothies and 8 hours of sleep per night and not having small children.”