I keep seeing ads all over my various social media feeds for a new product from Jamieson vitamins: the one-second vitamin. It appears to be a vitamin spray, which … well, it raises a lot of questions. Are the folks in product development at Jamieson punking us? Or is this actually a problem that needed to be solved? How long does it take everyone else to take a vitamin? (Scene: Frazzled mom with seventeen small children, trying to find the Vandelay account file under a pile of puppies. Voiceover: Who has TWO seconds in this workaday world to chew and swallow a gummy vitamin? Or THREE seconds to toss back a regular one with an orange juice chaser? Introducing SPRAY VITAMINS, especially designed for executives! Because you are very busy and important!) I just did a few quick calculations (took me seven seconds!) and it appears that cutting my vitamin time in half will get me back a little over six whole minutes each year. Assuming I live another 40 or so years, that’s about 4 extra hours, 5% of which I just spent typing this paragraph.
For some reason, every time I have walked down the street to our mailbox in the past few weeks, I have been struck with an urge to do a cartwheel. There are two issues with this plan: firstly, I have NO IDEA if I am still capable of doing a cartwheel, and secondly, there is no way of testing that theory without risking Humiliating Public Injury. If I were to attempt it while alone, there is a very good chance I would spend the rest of the day lying pathetically in the back yard, begging the dog to call 9-11 instead of lick my face. Perhaps it is better to leave my illustrious gymnastics career* in the past where it belongs.
*fairly non-illustrious, and cut short because I fell on my head