Portrait of the artist as an almost five-year-old

Portrait of the artist as an almost five-year-old

We did it, people! We survived winter. Our long national nightmare is over. Give yourselves a round of applause, my friends. You hung in there and did the work and it shows! (It shows in sunburns from being too long at the park and too careless about sunscreen, but still. IT SHOWS.) Now it’s time for iced coffee and burning the children’s snow pants in a celebratory bonfire and pretending there aren’t horrifyingly large spiders suddenly appearing in your basement, the kind where if you throw a heavy file folder on top of it because it’s moving pretty quickly and the file folder is the item closest at hand, you half expect the file folder to start crawling across the floor, powered by a spider who once was only huge but is now both huge AND pretty angry.

Since we last chatted, the kids finished barfing and then a week later I had food poisoning, and then a week after that Zach had what was I worried might be pneumonia (again) but turned out to only be a terrible ear infection (related: the world’s saddest yet most hilarious sight is a toddler full-on sobbing during a chest x-ray but pausing briefly to say “cheeeeeese!”) and all of this makes me wonder for the thousandth time why the anti-vaccination people are anti-vaccination. Obviously there are a number of complex reasons (based on faulty science) (I’m not prepared to discuss this, so please feel free to chat with someone else about this issue because I can’t be rational about it) and obviously the things children get vaccinated against are far more serious than an ear infection, but I so very much hate seeing my kids sick and miserable that I am pretty sure I would vaccinate them against just about anything. I would vaccinate against the common cold. I would vaccinate against car-sickness. I would even vaccinate against that thing where a kid says they can’t find their stuffie so you help them look for it, only they don’t look for the stuffie, they just follow you around and provide colour commentary while you look. Big Pharmaceutical, how can we get moving on this? Call me.

Carol and I are not currently on speaking terms. She (or one of her hooligan bunny friends) has eaten every single one of the crocuses we planted last fall and I was so excited to see come up this spring. It is an outrage.