Ellie is at the sitter’s today and Zach is napping, and when I reached a logical stopping point in the work I was doing, I figured I could maybe tidy up the house a bit. Then I remembered that it is futile to try to keep a house clean with two small children in it, so instead I’m going to tell you about how we have started car shopping and then segue into a critical reading of a terrible country song.
We currently have a Toyota RAV-4, which we love, but which is too small for two kids and a dog, and although our dog is terrified of riding in the car and is not expected to recover from her kidney disease, we will likely get another dog at some point, because we are Dog Owning People. Well, I am a Dog Owning Person. Mike is more of a Dog Owning Person by Marriage. Either way, we think we have outgrown our car and since the lease was up anyway, we are in search of something slightly bigger.
My parents babysat for us so we could go test drive a few vehicles, and our second-to-last stop was the Jeep dealership, where we had planned to test drive a Jeep Cherokee. Upon walking into the sales office, the sales guy wandered up to us and jerked his head to the back corner and said, without greeting us, “Minivans are over there.” Now, I certainly don’t want to offend anyone who drives a minivan because I am not ANTI-minivan, not at all, but I AM a terrible parker and an even worse backer-upper, and I think a minivan might prove more than I could comfortably handle. Even still, I think enough people ARE anti-minivan that assuming two people are minivan people before even saying hello might not be the best sales technique out there. Nor would responding to our statement that we were really there, at the Jeep dealership, to drive a Jeep with “We don’t have any of those!” and anyway, we did not buy a Jeep and I’m glad we have my mom’s car as a loaner while we figure this out because our plan to make a decision and lease a car all in one day might have been a bit optimistic.
Both of my parents are pretty dyed-in-the-wool classic rock fans, so I was a little surprised to get in the car my first time driving it and discover that the radio was set to a country music station. Apparently it was one of those all-Christmas-music-for-the-month-of-December stations and they had just been listening to a CD since January (a likely story) but I haven’t yet changed the channel because a) it is nice to listen to something other than the Tangled soundtrack, and b) country music is DELIGHTFUL. Did you know that? It is hilarious. Yesterday on my way to visit a friend, I got to listen to a song that was basically a love song to DIRT (sample lyrics: It was my first love / Good as gold / Heaven was a shovel and a two foot hole / Mama should have bought all my clothes in brown / Cause I’d turn ’em that color anyhow / Even between the car and the front steps of that church / Was dirt) plus a song called Honky-tonk Badonkadonk, which made up for in objectification what it lacked in poetry (sample lyrics: It’s so hard not to stare / At that honky tonk badonkadonk / Keepin’ perfect rhythm / Make ya wanna swing along / Got it goin’ on like Donkey Kong / And whoo-wee / Shut my mouth, slap your grandma / There outta be a law / Get the Sheriff on the phone / Lord have mercy, how’d she even get them britches on).
My personal favourite was one called Doin’ What She Likes, the highlights of which are as follows:
She likes it when I call in sick to work
Spend the whole day hanging with her
I might get fired but that’s alright
I’m doin’ what she likes
Hmmm. Well, I DO like spending time with Mike, but I DON’T like the idea of losing our house to the bank. I’m also not sure I find that kind of questionable work ethic to be any sort of real turn-on.
She likes it when I bring home fresh fajitas
And mix up a pitcher of margaritas
Catch a kind of buzz that lasts all night
Doin’ what she likes
Ooooh, fresh fajitas sounds good. We don’t really have any good Mexican food in our area. And I quite enjoy margaritas, although I am still a nursing mother so perhaps a whole pitcher would be overkill.
She likes hearin’ how good she looks in them blue jeans
Little kisses, sweeter than sweet tea
Things I whispered in her ear, oh my
I like doin’ what she likes
Any girl likes being told she looks good in them blue jeans. Country music is so universal.
Like running my fingers through her long hair
Lightin’ watermelon candles upstairs
Lettin’ them burn and holdin’ her all night
I like doin’ what she likes
Zach has started yanking on my hair, so I’ll pass on adding another set of fingers to the mix. And burning candles all night long sounds kind of like a fire hazard. Also watermelon-scented things always remind me of Hubba Bubba bubble gum, which isn’t the most romantic of home fragrances.
She likes it when I get past second gear
Sees gravel flying in the rearview mirror
Sometimes I’m pushing 95
Doin’ what she likes
That seems … dangerous as well. So what she likes is reckless behaviour?
And she likes it when I find a road that’s dark
Can we pull up somewhere and park?
Turn the radio on and turn off the lights
Keep doin’ what she likes
Okay, this I can get on board with. Sitting quietly in the dark with no kids around? Sounds peaceful. In fact, maybe I will leave Mike at home and just go sit quietly in the dark by myself. Actually, maybe I’ll rent a hotel room by myself and swim in the hotel pool by myself and order room service breakfast by myself. Perhaps I have gotten a bit off topic here.
Yeah, I like doin’ what she likes
Hmm, yeah indeed, modern-day poet. You keep keepin’ on.