Monthly archive for December 2011

January 2

At press time, it is December 29, and this means the countdown is on for two very important dates: December 31, when Mike and I go to bed at 9:30 and hope the new year gets rung in somehow without us, and January 2, when the annual influx of eager new members begins at the gym. (Perhaps your gym is open on January 1, but mine does not open again until January 2. At least, I think that’s true. We’re going to assume that it’s true, because a day that the gym is closed is a day you don’t have to feel guilty for not exercising, because it’s not even an option. Assuming you don’t want to go for a run OUTSIDE, which of course you don’t, because this is Canada and it is January.) I have nothing AGAINST the resolutioners (it would be pretty ridiculous of me to begrudge people an activity that I myself participate in regularly) but I am not a patient person and do not wait in line very well. I especially do not wait in line very well for activities in which I only participate reluctantly for my own health and well-being and as such don’t particularly enjoy. I mean, I don’t HATE the gym (my feelings pretty closely resemble this cartoon) but I’m kind of a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am person when it comes to my workouts — get in, get out, and then take a really long shower while the baby is still in the gym daycare — and I hate waiting in line enough that I probably wouldn’t wait in line to eat cookie dough cheesecake while Colin Firth complimented me on my shiny hair and used the words “less” and “fewer” in their appropriate contexts, so the chances that I’d wait in line for an elliptical trainer are … well, they’re not good. Not good at all. (more…)

Cookie math

I had kind of a frustrating morning, trying to get the baby and I out of the house to the gym, which is 25 minutes away and which I had a difficult enough time convincing myself to go to even when it was only FIVE minutes away, and as a result of the morning hassles I decided I would have a slightly shorter workout than usual and then a slightly longer shower, but my relaxing post-workout shower was ruined by having to spend it listening to 3 women loudly discuss their weight (exactly how many Christmas cookies they can have before they gain 5 pounds, how long it took them to lose the 5 pounds from last year, etc.) and the weight of their various friends (one of them went to a Leafs game the other night and her friend ate 2 pieces of pizza AND drank a beer and this particular friend gains weight quickly, so what was she THINKING) and there was no sharp object to poke myself in the eye with because I was trapped in the SHOWER, so I just stood there under the water wishing they would talk about their haircuts or their kids or their plans for Christmas or JUST ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE OTHER THAN WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT. (more…)


When I was pregnant, I had an app on my phone put out by the What To Expect When You’re Expecting people. I discovered at some point toward the end that the app linked to their forums, and lo there was much rejoicing, because I spent a lot of time in the last few months sitting and/or moping, and those forums provided no shortage of entertainment. You see, there are the forums at large, and then there is your “home board”, where you can interact with other moms (or “mamas” as they tend to call each other) who are due the same month you are. I very quickly learned that women who spend a lot of time posting on pregnancy forums think that they are the first and only person to ever have experienced pregnancy before, and also tend to have very strong opinions, and tend to surround themselves (intentionally or unintentionally, I’m not sure) with a lot of drama. This combination of factors leads to a lot of posts that basically boil down to “I am the most uncomfortable pregnant lady there ever was, so I’m going to ask my doctor to induce me a month early, and my husband has never so much as washed a spoon or put a sock into the laundry but I somehow expect to be pleasantly surprised by an abrupt shift in behaviour and increase in maturity upon the arrival of our baby, and also all I got for my baby shower was BABY CLOTHES, not the organic bibs washed in angel tears that I specifically registered for, I mean seriously, what is wrong with people?” (more…)