My cousin Trish got married in July, and then promptly moved to Kuwait, for reasons that are unclear even to me, but which apparently have nothing to do with abandoning me and everything to do with finding a job over there that “pays well” and “is fulfilling” and “helps further her career” or some-such nonsense. Because they were more or less immediately picking up and moving halfway across the world, they didn’t want the usual toasters/mixers/trifle bowls/flatware/towels you tend to get as wedding gifts, and I had decided that rather than write them a cheque I would purchase a weddingy type gift (hint: not a trifle bowl) and mail it to them in Kuwait. I got to shop for fun consumer products! They got another wedding gift after the wedding gift excitement had already petered out! Plus they would get mail at work, which would make them the envy of their colleagues! Exclamation point!

However. I did not think this through, because I finally made it to the courier place yesterday, and they can expect to receive their package in 3-4 months, because when the courier person told me how much it would cost to send the box to Kuwait, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. (There is no Fedex here and both Purolator and UPS were going to be over $220. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!) So it’s travelling via the much-much-cheaper-but-still-surprisingly-expensive Canada Post regular parcel mail and will apparently be there sometime in the next 3 months. Probably. If it doesn’t arrive before they come home in the summer, I will … I don’t even know. Probably check myself into a sanitarium somewhere. Because SERIOUSLY, CANADIAN POSTAL SYSTEM. I could probably purchase a carrier pigeon, pay to have it professionally trained, procure insurance on its life, have it fly the package to Kuwait, and buy a diamond-studded pigeon Rolex as a welcome home present to be hand-delivered by a B-list celebrity upon the pigeon’s safe return to Canada for less than it would cost to courier a small box to the Middle East.

Also the woman at the UPS counter had never heard of Kuwait. She spent quite a while trying to tell me you can’t send packages to Kuwait, because it didn’t exist. The closest she could find was Qatar (which she pronounced “Kwa-tar”) and I just about died there in the store while I waited because it is a SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS when *I* am judging you for your lack of geographical knowledge. (This is embarrassing to admit, and I only confess it to further prove my point: up until very recently I thought China was a tiny little country. I also once sarcastically referred to it being located near Russia. Pro tip: it really is near Russia.)