About a year ago, as a result of some egging on, I decided I would participate in the 100 Pushups Challenge, which offers you a training plan and some very convincing promises that you’ll be able to do 100 pushups at the end of 6 weeks. It all sounded very doable – simple, really – because who doesn’t want to be able to say they can do 100 pushups? And who can’t, when equipped with a very specific and easy-to-follow training plan, actually learn to do 100 pushups? I can’t, apparently, and the experience (brief though it was) will forever be filed in my brain under T, for “Things That Are Good Ideas In Theory But Are Both Painful & Embarrassing In Execution.” (See also: Learning To Ski, Trying To Solve Quadratic Equations, and I Wonder If I Can Still Do A Backflip.)
On Pushup 1 of Day 1, with my nose a few inches from the floor, I felt a ripping pain in my lower abdominal muscles and collapsed moaning to the floor. Because I am nothing if not stupid and short-sighted, I tried again on Day 2 and Day 3, before finally whining to my mother that I couldn’t even do a single pushup without falling to the floor in a heap of pain and humiliation. She’s a personal trainer, so she knows pushups, and she’s my mom, so she knows me, and she informed me that my body, what with its curvy spine and all, is probably not meant to do pushups (much like it is not meant to run or do backbends in yoga or occasionally eat Cap’n Crunch for dinner, all of which I sometimes do, because, well, see above re: stupidity and shortsightedness). And thus, my 3-day-long dream of doing 100 pushups was dead.
I woke up yesterday morning (I should probably mention in the interest of full disclosure and in case it happens to be relevant that the dream I was having immediately prior to waking up was about being forced into a compulsory Harry Potter-themed team building activity with a large and random assortment of people from my high school, people from the residence I lived in during my first year of university, and students from the current season of Degrassi: The Next Generation) with that same sort of pain in my abs, sort of like I had spent hours reliving the disappointment of my failed pushup experiment, only the sum total of the exercise I’d been involved in during the day prior was wandering around Toys R Us with my mother-in-law which, while highly enjoyable, was certainly not all that strenuous. Mike suggested that perhaps I was working out in my sleep, which frankly sounds a little appealing because it would free up more time during my day for procrastinating at my desk, but I wager that if I had developed a habit of sleep exercising, I’d be a lot skinnier. Unless I have also developed a habit of sleep eating, I suppose, in which case I should probably stock up on some Cap’n Crunch.